Recently I’ve noticed an odd trend in phrases I overhear at my place of work, or “pick up from the Cloud” as I’m sure some of them might rephrase that. Co-workers have started to say, without any hint of irony, “I don’t really have the bandwidth right now” when they are busy, and suggest to “take this offline” if they want to speak about something outside of a meeting.
Obviously we work in the internet, and those are expressions about the internet. I do get the joke, if it’s intended to be one. But do we really need to mention references to things we work with at every stage of our working day? Or are the people using the expressions just showing off about the fact they work for a technology company, like it’s 1999 again and they want to come to work in a long dark coat and shitty sunglasses every day and pretend they’re in the Matrix?
Is this bizarre mixture of business jargon-meets-workplace terminology restricted to web companies, or is it the same in other industries? Do bakers describe any longterm financial investments as “waiting for the dough to rise”? Does a cheese maker who is going to have to cut his worse staff say he’s “separating the curds from the whey”? Would a dentist with a hectic diary ever ask his assistant to “rinse and spit out some of the plaque”, or have a business model called ‘Open. Wide’?
If my co-workers are going to continue this annoying trend I’d like to make my own suggestions for additions that at least make me laugh. Whilst it does make me feel a little like I’m in some Dilbert/Nathan Barley mash-up, I do love a good pun. So I’m going to try and add the following to my workplace parlance:
“Let’s torrent this sometime”
We should have a brainstorm.
“Feeling a bit rough this morning, I should have held Shift when I got up”
I feel fragile and need to be considered in ‘safe mode’.
“We’re going to have to Force Quit”
There are going to be Compulsory redundancies.
“Let’s Exposé this”
I want to see everything we’re doing right now.
“We should probably start a Google Wave about this”
Sarcasm. Your idea is really shit and no-one wants to hear about it.
“We’re going to add you to the Keychain”
You are deemed trustworthy enough that you’re about to be told the company secrets.
“Let’s do some Private Browsing”
I want to have sex with you and for you to forget it ever happened.
If anyone has any more, feel free to add in the comments.